


Hidden Wounds

by steviemichael



Series: Episode Related Fics [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Magnus, Beautiful Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Cuddles, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Established Relationship, Guilt, Hurt Alec, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Simon is adorably awkward and totally ships malec, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Will have a happy ending!, Worried Magnus Bane, please be aware that suicide is talked about and attempted in chapter 3, please do not read if that is triggering for you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-01 09:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10919328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steviemichael/pseuds/steviemichael
Summary: During Max's party, only Clary is spelled (unbeknownst to her or the others), causing her to lash out at Alec.Will update tags/warnings as the story progresses.





	1. The Perfect Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec reassures an anxious Magnus and is runs into an angry Clary.

The party was now in full swing and Magnus was anxiously reviewing the evening's agenda for the umpteenth time when he felt two strong arms wrap around him from behind and a low voice whisper in his ear.

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

Magnus smiled as he felt Alec’s lips brush lightly against the nape of his neck. His stress was momentarily replaced by affection rising in his chest before anxiety once more reared its ugly head. 

“Do you think it is going well?” without waiting for a reply, Magnus hurriedly prattled on. “I think it’s going okay. I mean the band did completely botch _Paseo De Gracia_ , but they seem to have found their rhythm now. Don’t you think?”

Alec couldn’t keep stop himself from chuckling fondly at his boyfriend’s nervous fretting. It was so unlike Magnus to be so ruffled, Alec was usually the one anxiously fumbling over his words, and it warmed his heart to see how important it was to Magnus to make a good impression on his family. As he went to reassure his lover, Magnus continued his tirade.

“Also I’m worried the empanadas are going to be soggy,” Magnus sighed dramatically. “I gave the chef such specific instructions, you would think that . . .”

“Magnus,” Alec interrupted, tightening his hold on the warlock in what he hoped was a comforting manner. “Everything is perfect.” He spun Magnus around in his arms so that they were now facing one another. “Everything is perfect,” he repeated, cupping Magnus’ face in his hands. “You. Are. Perfect.” Punctuating each word with a gentle kiss. “Thank you for tonight.”

He couldn’t help but feel a little triumphant at the blush that was now creeping up Magnus’ perfect neck and the pleased smile spreading across his face.

“Alexander, I know I’ve said it before, but I feel it bears repeating. You never cease to amaze me.”

As Magnus leaned in for another kiss, he heard someone awkwardly clear their throat followed by a hesitant tap on his shoulder.

“I am so sorry to interrupt guys, but I need Magnus. I was gonna wait, but then I was like, ‘what if this goes on for a while?’ I didn’t want to just stand here and watch you makeout like a total creep, so I thought it would be better to just say something, but now I feel bad, you were totally having a moment and I . . .”

“Simon!” Alec snapped, but feeling Magnus’ calming hand on his chest, he softened his tone as he continued. “You said you needed Magnus?”

“Right, sorry . . . again. Uh, Magnus, the chef told me he needed to see you right away vis-à-vis the empanadas, something about it not being his fault, but they may have a _slight_ consistency problem.”

“Unbelievable! I knew it, I knew he wasn’t paying attention. If you want something done right you have to do it yourself. I’m sorry love, I need to go see to this.” Magnus pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s cheek before flurrying away to the kitchen, leaving Simon and Alec alone. 

“So . . . cool party . . .” Simon started.

“Ya, uh, it’s great. I need a drink." 

“Cool, cool. Ya, I’ll probably get one in a bit. I . . ." Simon watched as Alec made a v-line for the bar. "Okaaay, and you’re gone. Yup, totally talking to myself.” 

Alec felt a little bad for walking off so abruptly. He knew he should make more of an attempt with Simon, especially now that Magnus had unofficially taken the young vampire under his wing, but the guy was just so annoying, he never stopped talking. He paused and turned for a moment, briefly considering returning to awkwardville, before thinking better of it and continuing on to the bar. He twisted back around, but was stopped short as someone slammed into his chest and fell to the floor. 

"Oh my god, Clary! I am so sorry, I didn't see you! Here, let me help you up." 

Clary quickly got back on her feet, refusing Alec's assistance. "I'm fine. Don't touch me!" 

Alec blanched at the venom in her voice, confused by her response. Nevertheless, he pulled his hands away and took a step back. "Woah, okay. I'm really sorry. It was just an accident." 

"Oh really. Just an accident? Always an excuse with you. You disgust me!" 

"Clary, what is going on? What are you talking about?" 

"I'm talking about you killing my mom, you son of a bitch," she hissed. 

Alec recoiled at the verbal assault. Weeks of guilt and self-loathing that had been pushed down came bubbling to the surface, threatening to overtake him. He found himself unable to take a proper breath and felt the walls closing in on him. He wanted to respond to Clary, to try and apologize once more, to beg for her forgiveness, but as he opened his mouth to speak nothing but gasping breaths escaped. Knowing he was on the verge of a full-fledged panic attack and desperate for some fresh air he made a quick retreat to the roof. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a re-take on 2x08, however, it is not connected to my previous 2x08 fic [Broken Mosaic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10802697/chapters/23966835). I wanted to write a fic based on this episode, where Alec's emotions and guilt couldn't be blamed on magic, and this is what I came up with.
> 
> I kinda hate how this turned out, shocker I know, but I'm gonna just keep pluggin' away at this writing thing. =D =D 
> 
> I am thinking of doing a Cop!Alec + Doctor!Magnus AU, let me know in the comment thread or on tumblr if you have any interest in that. 
> 
> As always comments and kudos absolutely make my day and inspire to write more!
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr: [Magnusluvsalec](http://magnusluvsalec.tumblr.com/) \- would love Malec prompts!
> 
> Or check out my Malec vids on my YouYube channel [Stevie Michael](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjhF8vc7Gk3HJNSxoLpGgig/videos)


	2. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec deals with a panic attack

Pushing open the door to the roof, Alec was relieved to find it was unoccupied. He made it only a few steps before dropping to his knees as his body betrayed him. His heart was pounding erratically, vision swimming, lungs in an iron vice, every breath a struggle.

Alec was no stranger to panic attacks, but somehow dealing with them never got any easier. He tried desperately to focus his mind and remember the techniques that had helped in the past. The first thing he knew he had to do was get his breathing under control.

 _Breathe in breathe out. Breathe in breathe out._ He repeated this mantra over and over again. Willing himself to take in each haggard breath.

Lifting his head, he glanced wearily out at the city lights as a memory flooded his mind. Two weeks ago, after Jocelyn's death, he had found himself in a similar predicament. Alone on the roof, fighting for breath. That’s where Magnus had found him. Magnus, kind, beautiful, understanding Magnus. Just thinking of him had a soothing effect on the tormented Shadowhunter.

Magnus had come up behind Alec, no questions, no panic, simply wrapping his arms around him encouraging him to match his breaths, and after several minutes had passed, Alec had found he could breathe more easily. When he had turned to explain himself, Magnus placed his finger gently over his mouth before replacing it with his lips. _I am here for you. I love you. I accept you._ Was it possible for one simple kiss to communicate such depth of feeling? Maybe he only imagined it, but as their lips met Alec had heard all that and more.

He remembered how soft Magnus’ lips had been on his, the feel of Magnus’ hands rubbing soothing circles on his back, the warmth of their bodies pressed against one another. He had felt so safe, so loved, so accepted.

They had stayed out on the roof for hours that night. Sitting on the ledge looking out at the city lights. At first, when Magnus hopped up on the ledge, Alec had been confused and slightly concerned, but Magnus had confided to him that this was something he liked to do when he was overwhelmed. After joining him there, Alec too found it to be incredibly soothing.

He allowed the memory to wash over him, slowly beginning to feel his panic subside. His heart resuming a steady beat, vision clearing, and once more, mercifully, oxygen began filling his starved lungs. Bringing himself shakily to his feet, he thought nervously of the party continuing on inside. He knew he should return, he needed to find Clary . . . but as the thought of Clary entered his mind, tears welled in his eyes and his chest tightened. This time, however, the tightness did not come from panic. This tightness was grief and guilt and pain.

How could he have let himself believe that he could move past this? That she could move past this? He couldn’t face her. There was nothing he could say to fix this. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t go back inside now. He didn’t deserve to enjoy a party; he didn’t deserve to be surrounded by friends and family.

He deserved this. He deserved the pain. He deserved to be alone.

Slowly making his way to the edge of the roof, he carefully climbed onto the ledge, sitting with his legs dangling over the side. He welcomed the feel of the cool breeze on his cheek as he regarded to the magnificence of the cityscape before him. He was so tired. So tired of failing. So tired of disappointing people. So tired of being in pain and inflicting it on others. He was just so tired. Dropping his head into his hands, soft sobs ripped through his body, his pain and loneliness carried away by the night wind into the void.

"Feel better?"

Startled, Alec whipped his head around to see Clary standing there, a look of loathing on her face.

"How dare you? How dare you sit out here and feel sorry for yourself? You do not get cry about this. You murdered my mother. You're a murderer," Clary snarled, her voice breaking into a sob. "She is . . . she's dead, and she is never coming back, and that . . . is on you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Should I continue? 
> 
> As always comments and kudos absolutely make my day and inspire to write more!
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr: [Magnusluvsalec](http://magnusluvsalec.tumblr.com/) \- would love Malec prompts!
> 
> Or check out my Malec vids on my YouYube channel [Stevie Michael](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjhF8vc7Gk3HJNSxoLpGgig/videos)


	3. On the Ledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary confronts Alec on the roof. *Trigger warning for suicide discussion and attempt*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I totally flubbed in the first two chapters and wrote balcony instead of the roof. I was re-reading the chapters and was like wait, that's not right. I edited those chapters, so now they say roof. Just didn't want anyone to be confused. Sorry about that! :)

Clary’s words hit Alec like a ton of bricks. She was right. He was so pathetic. Jocelyn was the one whose life had been viciously ripped away. Clary was the one who had lost her mother, and yet here he sat, wallowing in self-pity, weeping like a child. Shame filled his being, seeping from every pore. In that moment he truly despised himself.

“You’re right. I am a murderer. I’m so sorry, Clary. I would do anything to fix this. Please, what can I do?” Alec couldn’t hold back the sobs that engulfed his plea, the pain and the guilt far too great.

As she listened to the desperation in his voice, anger spread through Clary like an unstoppable wave. She was surprised at the depth of her hatred for Alec in this moment. As she took in his tear stained face and shaking hands, she felt the smallest hint of compassion bloom within her, before it was instantly smothered by overwhelming rage.

How many times had Alec looked down on her, condescended to her, and mocked her incompetence? Yet in the end, He had allowed a demon to possess him. He was the one who had been weak, and that weakness had led to the death of her mother.

“What can you do?” Clary began slowly walking towards Alec.  “I think you know what you need to do. Just get on with it already.”

“I don’t. I don’t know. But, please, Clary, just tell me. I will do whatever you want.”

“I mean why are you even still here? How is it fair that you get to live and my mom is dead? Does that seem right to you?”

Clary was taken aback by her own words. Why was she saying this? Did she really hate Alec that much? _Your mother is dead because of him. He betrayed you._ Alec is my friend, he was possessed, I shouldn’t blame him. _But you do blame him. He is nothing to you. He is a waste of space. He deserves to die for what he did._

“You’re right. It should have been me and not Jocelyn who had died . . . I . . .  I wish it had been.” Alec was no longer crying, in fact, his voice was now devoid of all emotion, lifeless and resigned.

“Just do everyone a favor and end this. No one is going to miss you.”

Clary tried to hold back the cruel words that now poured from her mouth but every attempt at resistance was stamped out by an uncontrollable fury. She felt her very being was split in two. Her heart pleaded with her to show compassion and grant forgiveness while her mind cried out for vengeance. In the end . . . her mind won the battle of wills raging within.

“In fact, we would all be better off without you. You're nothing.” 

As she continued her cruel taunts, tears streamed down her face, appalled by her own words and actions, yet somehow powerless to stop. She watched as Alec slowly made his way to his feet, now standing precariously on the ledge, overlooking the street below. Her heart flew to her throat as she took in the scene and realized what Alec was about to do. She tried to call out to him to convince him to come down, but all that came out were more viscous attacks.

“What are you waiting for? Just do it. Or are you too weak? Coward. Murderer," she spat. Every word laced with contempt and loathing. 

Alec turned to look at Clary one last time, he didn’t know what to do. This didn’t feel right. Despite what she had said, he was sure that this would only bring pain to his family. Max would be devastated, Izzy would be heartbroken, and he didn’t even want to think about how his death would impact his parabatai. And then there was Magnus, they had had so little time together, and yet Alec was already falling in love. He liked to think that perhaps Magnus felt the same way.

But no sooner had these thoughts begun whispering to him, than his self-loathing came screaming through. None of that mattered. The fact was that he was a fuck up. He broke things. He was a disappointment. He hurt the people he loved. Better to put them through a little pain now and get it over with. His mind made up, he turned his back fully to the street and closed his eyes.

Just as he began to lean back, he heard the door to the roof slam open and someone screaming his name.

“Alec!”

He opened his eyes briefly and saw Magnus, standing there, pain and fear etched on his beautiful face. He wished he could tell him he loved him, kiss him one more time, and reassure him this was for the best, but it was too late for that. He closed his eyes and let go.

One moment he was falling, the next he felt himself floating before darkness overtook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys, hope you are still enjoying this and will stick around for more.
> 
> Next chapter will be going back a little to show how Magnus came to be on the roof and then his POV of Alec's suicide attempt as well as confronting Clary about her involvement. 
> 
> Sorry this is so dark. Don't worry it will have a happy end. =D
> 
> As always comments and kudos absolutely make my day and inspire to write more!
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr: [Magnusluvsalec](http://magnusluvsalec.tumblr.com/) \- would love Malec prompts!
> 
> Or check out my Malec vids on my YouYube channel [Stevie Michael](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjhF8vc7Gk3HJNSxoLpGgig/videos)


	4. Of Devastation and Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus saves Alec from a deadly fall.

Magnus emerged from the kitchen, the empanada crisis averted. As suspected the chef had disregarded his very specific instructions and made the filling too wet, resulting in a soggy dough. Although one batch was ruined, the chef guaranteed Magnus he would follow his instructions to the letter and have a fresh batch ready in no time.

Magnus sighed contentedly as he gave a cursory glance around the room. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, he had engaged in not one, but two civil exchanges with Maryse Lightwood, and thanks to his swift intervention, no one would be subjected to inferior empanadas. All in all, it would appear the party was a success.

The only thing missing now was his darling, Alexander. He knew Alec was not the biggest fan of parties and had felt a little guilty leaving him alone with Simon, especially given their somewhat rocky relationship. He quickly scanned the party for his Shadowhunter and was surprised when he came up empty.

Alec stood a few inches above the majority of their guests which usually made him rather easy to pick out of a crowd. After a second inspection of the room confirmed that Alec was not among the group, Magnus decided to check with Maia, who was serving drinks at the bar.

“Hello my dear, thank you so much for helping me out tonight. Everything going okay?”

“Anything for you Magnus, besides, with what you’re paying me, I should be thanking you. And yes, everything is going great, it’s a lovely party. Though I have had to cut a few of your guests off, the Sangria may have been a hair on the strong side,” Maia teased.

“I’m so pleased to hear that, oh and speaking of lightweights, by chance have you seen Alexander floating around here? I can’t seem to locate him?”

“Oh ya, you know, I think I saw him talking to Clary a little while back, then he headed upstairs.”

Once more Magnus felt a small pang of guilt for leaving Alec on his own, knowing his distaste for public gatherings. The stairs only led to one place, the roof, so if Alec went up there during the party it was most likely because he was feeling overwhelmed or annoyed and needed some space. Magnus would simply have to make it up to him, the thought of which brought a smile to his face.

Suddenly realizing he had been lost in his train of thought and had failed to respond to Maia, he quickly thanked her and made his way up to the roof, the prospect of moonlit cuddles and stolen kisses playing in his mind.

As he ascended the stairs he began to hear voices coming from the roof. Apparently, Alec had not made his exodus from the party alone. Perhaps he had wrangled Jace into joining him for some fresh air. However as Magnus neared the top of the stairs the voices became clearer, it was Clary on the roof with Alec, and she sounded upset.

_“What are you waiting for? Just do it. Or are you too weak? Coward. Murderer."_

Magnus’ chest clenched, he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Dread and a sense of foreboding swelled in the pit of his stomach as he threw open the door to the roof.

Nothing in his 400 years could have prepared him for the scene in front of him.

“Alec!” He couldn’t hold back the scream as he took in the sight of his boyfriend standing on the ledge of the roof.

Alec’s eyes shot open and Magnus could barely stand to see the agony and despair pouring out of those gorgeous eyes. Magnus instantly knew what Alec’s intentions were, and wanted desperately to say something, anything, to draw him back, to rescue him, but before he could form a coherent thought, Alec closed his eyes once more and slipped quietly from the ledge.

“NO!”  Unbidden a pulse of magic surged from Magnus’ hand, barely catching Alec before he fell out of sight. His hand trembled uncontrollably as he slowly lowered Alec to the ground. The reality of how close he had come to losing him was overwhelming.  As soon as his, now sedated boyfriend, was safely on the floor of the roof, Magnus’ legs gave out underneath him. Never in his centuries of existence had he felt this level of devastation. As he took in deep stabilizing breaths, he became vaguely aware of Clary, rambling in the background.

“Magnus . . . I . . . I’m not sure what happened . . . he . . .”

“Enough. Get out of my sight”

A chill went through Clary as she took in Magnus’ icy tone. For the first time in their long acquaintance, she felt truly fearful of the powerful warlock. As he slowly rose to his feet she saw that his glamor was down, his cat eyes burning fiercely.

Magnus had known Clary for most of her life and had grown to care quite deeply for the young Shadowhunter, but in this moment he didn’t trust himself alone with her. He tried to remind himself that she was grieving, that she had gone through a traumatizing event, but as he regarded Alec’s unconscious form, and recalled the vile words she had thrown at him, he found himself incapable of any rational thought.

“Magnus . . . I didn’t mea . . . “Clary tried to explain, before once again being cut off.

“I said leave. Now. I will not ask again.” 

Realizing any further attempt at an explanation was pointless and potentially dangerous at this moment, Clary dropped her head and quietly exited the roof, leaving Magnus and Alec alone.

As soon as the door clanged shut, Magnus made his way over to Alec, cupping his tear-stained face gently in his hands and pressing a desperate kiss to his forehead.

“Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you tell me you were hurting so badly?” A tear streamed down his face as he slid down and took his boyfriend’s unconscious body into his arms.

He knew the sedation he had placed on Alec would wear off soon, but for now, he just needed to hold him. To reassure himself that his precious Alexander was still here with him. He knew Alec had a long difficult road ahead of him, but he also knew that he would be there every step of the way.

He tightened his grip and whispered hoarsely, his voice choked with emotion, "We're going to make it through this. You're going to be okay. You have to be. You . . . you just have to be . . ." Tears were now freely falling down the warlock's face as he tenderly cradled his boyfriend.

"I . . . I love you, Alexander." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Completely indifferent? Let me know in the comments! =D


	5. Just For This Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary comes to a realization and Magnus makes a surprising revelation.

Clary’s head was pounding as she made her way down the stairs. With a trembling hand, she reached out and grabbed the railing to steady herself as images of Alec falling from the ledge flashed mercilessly before her eyes. If it hadn’t been for Magnus, Alec would be dead. Alec would be dead and she would be responsible. The conflicting emotions she felt bewildered her. She felt overwhelmingly grateful and relieved that Alec’s life had been spared, but at the same time, she could not help the bitterness that churned within her. How was it fair that he got to live, and her mother was dead? Where was the justice in that?

The depth of her anger and hatred for Alec frightened Clary. Where had these feelings come from? She had been devastated by her mother’s death, and admittedly it had been difficult to look at Alec at first, but she thought she had come to terms with him. She thought she had forgiven him, after all, it wasn’t really his fault, he had been possessed.  _He was possessed because he was weak and arrogant. He didn’t even try to fight off the possession. In fact, he seemed to enjoy killing your mom. You saw the footage._

There was that voice again. Whispering to her, goading her, tormenting her. She tried to shut it out, to ignore it, but it was relentless.  _Are you really going to let your mother's death go unavenged? Alec Lightwood deserves to die. He is a murderer. Let the punishment fit the crime._ And the more she listened to it, the more she believed it. Yes. Yes! Alec did deserve to die. The Clave may have pardoned him, but she would not. 

“Clary, hey I was wondering where you . . . oh, is everything okay? Have you been crying?”

“Oh, Simon!” Clary yelped, startled out of her dark musings by a hesitant hand on her shoulder.  Finding her composure, she quickly deflected his concern. “I’m okay. I just . . .  just needed some air, I’m good.”

“Okay  . . . are you sure? Cuz, you really look like you’ve been crying. I mean . . .  you look beautiful of course, but you know . . .”

Ordinarily, Clary found Simon’s rambling cute, but right now she needed to get out of this apartment, get somewhere quiet where she could think - plan her next move. 

“ . . . I mean if you don’t want to talk about it that’s totally fine, I . . .”

“Simon.” She interrupted, “I’m sure. I was just thinking about my mom, I’m okay, but can we . . . can we go?”

“Oh, sure. Of course! Let me just find Magnus real quick, I want to say good . . . .”

“No!” Clary cried out. Seeing she had drawn the attention of several party-goers, as well as a confused look from her boyfriend, Clary lowered her voice and continued in a more moderate tone. “I mean, I really just need to get out of here. I’m sure Magnus won’t mind. Please?”

Simon put a comforting arm around Clary drawing her close. “Hey, ya. Sure. Whatever you need. Let’s go”

As they walked away Clary cast a nervous glance over her shoulder up the stairs, towards the roof. She wondered what Magnus would say to the others. She wondered just how much he had overheard.

She would need to work on a feasible explanation - she had been drinking, she was out of her head with grief, and she would take it all back if she could. Only one part of that rang true, for while she was undoubtedly grieving, her mind was clear and her resolve set. She knew what she wanted, no  _needed_  to do.

She would avenge her mother’s death. Alec Lightwood would die.

* * *

Magnus glanced down as Alec began to stir in his arms. With a heavy sigh, he reluctantly released his grip on the Shadowhunter and slid out from behind him. Now kneeling in front of his boyfriend, he gently caressed his cheek as he slowly regained consciousness.

“Alexander? Are you with me?” He asked, unable to keep the quiver out of his voice.

Big hazel eyes blinked deliberately as Alec dazedly lifted his head and took in his surroundings. The first thing he saw was his boyfriend who looked very worried.

“Magnus? Where am- What hap-I . . . ” Alec shook his head, as he tried to make sense of what was going on. His mouth was dry and his head was killing him.

As his vision cleared he glanced around and saw that he was sitting on the roof. In an instant, it all came back to him. The panic attack. Clary. He had tried to . . . He couldn’t let himself finish that thought because Magnus was still looking at him, pain and fear glaringly evident on his beautiful face. He had caused that. His weakness, his selfishness. He needed to fix this.

“Magnus, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” Alec kept his voice calm and even as he took the hand still on his cheek into his own in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

Magnus shook his head sadly as he interlocked their fingers. “Do not apologize to me. I am the one who is sorry, I had no idea you were suffering so badly. I . . ”

“No! Please, Magnus, don’t blame yourself. I'm okay, really, I am . . . don’t look at me like that. I promise I’m okay.” Alec kept his tone light and attempted a smile to try to reassure him that everything was alright. The only problem – Magnus was not buying it.

“Alexander. My darling Alexander. I love you very much, but you are most definitely not okay, but you can be. You will be. Please just talk to me. Let me in, let me help.”

Alec didn’t hear anything after “I love you very much”. Had he heard right? Did Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn just say he loved him? It wasn’t possible, he must have misheard . . . wishful thinking perhaps, but maybe . . .

“Magnus?” he began shyly, embarrassed at what he was going to ask, “Did you . . . did you just say you love me?”

Magnus blanched, had he said that out loud? He chewed his lower lip worriedly and lowered his gaze. While he was surer than ever of his affections for Alec, he had planned on keeping the depth of his feelings to himself for a while longer. After all, they hadn’t been dating that long, and this was Alec’s first relationship . . . ever. He was afraid if he came on too strong he would lose him, and that thought was unbearable. Magnus always loved too fiercely, too quickly, and past relationships had taught him that this tendency always ended in pain, disappointment, and loneliness.

“Magnus . . . hey. Are you okay?” Alec tried to read his boyfriend’s face but came up empty. He looked . . . sad . . . scared? Alec’s heart sank, he had somehow messed up again.

Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec’s hand before responding, reveling in the feel of his warm skin on his lips. There was no backing out now, he had no choice but to lay it all out there and wait for the inevitable rebuff.

“Alexander,” he began gently. “These are hardly the circumstances under which I had hoped to tell you this, but, I do. I do love you. I love you so much. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Alec was staring at Magnus, his mouth slightly agape, speechless. Magnus knew he would be shocked, but seeing his surprise still hurt. Despite his disappointment, he soldiered on.

“I know, I know this must be overwhelming, and my timing could not be worse, as if you don’t have enough to deal with right now. It’s totally okay that you do not feel the same way, please don’t think I expect or need more from you. I know this is a lot. This doesn’t have to change anything . . . I . . .  please, say something, Alexander.” Magnus dropped his head and waited for the anticipated rejection.

For the second time that night, Alec felt as though he couldn’t breathe. This time, however, the sensation was making him almost giddy. Magnus loved him. Magnus loved  _him._ The world was going to shit, and he was still an unbelievable fuck-up, but Magnus loved him. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but in that moment he didn’t care. Maybe, just maybe they would be okay, maybe . . . he would be okay.

 “Magnus,” Alec reached out with his free hand and gently lifted Magnus’ face so that they were staring into one another’s eyes. “I . . . I love you too.”

It wasn’t eloquent or original, it didn’t fully express the depth of feeling Alec felt for the man kneeling in front of him, but somehow it was enough.

Magnus laughed softly in relieved disbelief, Alec never ceased to surprise him. He slowly closed the distance between them, then softly, almost reverently, his lips captured Alec’s. It was familiar and safe, profound. Alec closed his eyes and sunk into the kiss. For a moment he let everything go, he allowed himself to enjoy the comfort of the taste of his lover on his tongue, the warmth of Magnus’ arms around him, their bodies pressed together. All too soon, however, Magnus pulled back and stared intently into his eyes.

“Alexander, my love,” Magnus’ voice was slightly breathless but forceful, “I could stay out here forever, but . . .”

Alec sighed as his shoulders slumped forward. He knew where this was going, he knew they would have to address what had happened, but he didn’t want this moment to end. He wanted to keep pretending that they were the only two who existed, just a little longer.

“You may remember, we have a household full of guests downstairs.” Magnus continued. “And more importantly, we need to talk about . . . about what happened here tonight.” Magnus stopped to press a reassuring kiss to Alec’s forehead.

“I know that is probably the last thing you want to do darling, but we can’t pretend like this didn’t happen. Now, I am guessing you are not feeling up to mingling anymore this evening, so how about this? I will inform our guests that you are feeling unwell, so, unfortunately, we have to cut the festivities short.”

“Magnus, we can’t do that, you have worked so hard on this party and now I’ve ruined it. I’m so sorry. I feel terri . . .”

Magnus quickly cut him off, rising to his feet, “Stop that. Stop that right now. You mean way more to me than any party . . . Alright, now that we have addressed that foolishness, I think it is best if you come downstairs with me. Once I announce the reason for ending the party early, your family will undoubtedly want to check on you before they leave. And then . . . then we can talk.”

“Okay, your right Magnus.” Alec sighed as he stared up at his boyfriend. “But . . . can we . . . can we stay up here just a little longer? Please?”  He grabbed Magnus’ hand and gently tugged him back towards the floor of the roof.

As Magnus looked into Alec’s beautiful pleading eyes, he knew he was powerless to refuse. He allowed himself to be pulled back down to the ground and into his boyfriend’s embrace. They couldn’t stay like this for long, people would soon notice their absence, but just for this moment, they forgot about everyone else. They ignored the pain and the heartache, taking comfort in one another’s arms. It was only them. No one else existed. Just for this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeee . . . okay first of all sorry to make y'all wait so long for this. I was out of town. Secondly sorry if the quality is not so great, my muse has not been cooperating with me! Anyways I hope you enjoy. If you have a moment to leave a comment that would really make my day! =D


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